Pussy Galore

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Robert Downs

Goldfinger by Ian Fleming
My Rating: 2/5 Stars

The movie has got to be better than this shit. Yes, I shall procure a copy for myself, and watch it all the way through. I must confess I have only seen parts of this cinematic Sean Connery classic, and the parts I have seen did offer up a slight sense of endearment for yours truly. But my attention span waned, and my movie prowess faltered, and I must confess I sometimes have the attention span of a fruit fly. But I shall push through, much as I did with this piece of male chauvinistic trash.

The golf scene proved longwinded and a bit of a bore. And I happen to really like golf. After the scene, though, I wanted to chuck my clubs through an open window and burn my golf shirts in a bonfire. So…I’ve got that going for me.

Pussy Galore is one of the best names of all time, right? Yes, you are absolutely correct. But the way she falls for James Bond made me want to hurl up a Happy Meal. She may have been a lesbian, but she’d never met a man like James Bond. I haven’t either, but that doesn’t mean I want to marry the bastard.

Even Auric Goldfinger felt limp-dicked compared to his grand cinematic self. And I’m sorry but I just didn’t buy Bond and GOLDFINGER working together. More than anything, though, I wanted to hear one of the most famous exchanges of all time, and I ended up with zip. Zilch. Nada. What exchange? You might ask. Why, it’s this one:

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Auric Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

I think it’s safe to say I was screwed.

Sexism Baby

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Robert Downs

Cop Town: A Novel by Karin Slaughter
My Rating: 4/5 Stars

Sexism baby. It’s pretty-freakin’-ridiculous. But if you can’t move past it, or you’re going to start swearing from the mountaintop, you better just slide right on by, because you will not enjoy this novel. Let that sink in for a moment before we move on. And if you’re going to bitch and moan about it, keep in mind Karin Slaughter wrote a realistic historical novel. She did not set out to write a politically correct novel. And for cripes sakes, this is fiction people.

Atlanta is a wonderful southern city. There’s The Varsity and the College Football Hall of Fame and The World of Coke and Centennial Olympic Park and Stone Mountain Park. Yes, three out of the five attractions I’ve mentioned weren’t open in 1974, and yes, I am still going to mention them anyway, because all five are just plain cool. But if you want to ratchet up your confusion, try driving in downtown Atlanta. There are 71 streets with Peachtree in their name. Fuck me. That’s just crazy. Some city planner really wanted to fuck with tourists. Yeah, and I thought Boston was bad.

I did like COP TOWN. Actually, I really liked it. So why did it take me so long to finish? You might ask. My answer is simple: That first 15 percent or so nearly killed me. But once the train got rolling, it moved faster than a hamster on a wheel, and I was left clinging to the side for dear life. Had I stopped sooner, I would have missed out on one hell of a read. Was it the best novel I’ve read this year? No. Would I read it again? Probably not. But the atmosphere nearly caused me to inhale a carton of cigarettes, a bottle of Jack, and way too much hairspray.

I wanted to wave a red flag and a hand-painted sign for women’s rights, and yes, I really wanted to see what Kate Murphy had going on underneath her uniform. That woman could break a man in two, or serve up a heart attack to a twenty-five year old. Sure, her tits may have been mentioned more than once or twice, but if she’s got a pair that could make Susan Sarandon jealous, I want to hear about it. Yes, she was a blonde, and yes, that endeared her to me a little bit more, but again, I can’t stop that train because it’s already left the station.

This novel was locked and loaded better than a Glock 17. My only wish: there were a few more bullets in the chamber.

I received this book for free through NetGalley.

Hoped For A Bit More

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Robert Downs

Stealing Rose: A Novel by Monica Murphy
My Rating: 2/5 Stars

STEALING ROSE didn’t exactly steal my heart. In fact, I may have gotten pricked by a thorn or two or three, but the words did flow freely, or maybe that was my imagination running through the fields and dipping into the valleys. Rose and Caden seemed like a perfect pair, except for the fact that the world is imperfect, and it’s easy to end up distracted when your dad is banging a younger woman with ice in her veins. Dirty talk and dirty deeds don’t come cheap, but sexual acrobatics are always a great party favor.

I’d hoped for a bit more, but I could have gotten burned out in my erotica endeavor, and instead of ending up with a smile on my face, I looked at the world in utter disbelief. What could have been a great adventure felt a little too contrived for my taste, and the plot seemed to go to waste just a bit. Had spontaneity entered the equation, I might have ended up with a slightly different persuasion. I’ll look to the left and slide my hand to the right, and hope that I don’t end up with stage fright.

Fowler might just be an apt way to describe a Rose that has fallen off the bloom. And if I am to believe what other reviewers have said this storyline follows OWNING VIOLET just a little too closely. It may seem just a little bit crazy, but I prefer it when authors are willing to take a risk or two. But then there’s always the possibility that I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I received this book for free through NetGalley.

A Bad, Bad World

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Robert Downs

The Good Girl by Mary Kubica
My Rating: 2/5 Stars

It’s a bad, bad world out there, and it’s made even worse when you don’t stick to the plan. People tend to freak out. Simple abductions suddenly become much more complicated, and true intentions end up masked by pain and strain and suffering. True trauma hits worse than a woman named Elle wielding a 5-iron. And no matter how well you play the game you have to ensure you follow the rules.

THE GOOD GIRL shows the heart of human nature, and I think it’s safe to say: We’re pretty fucked up. It’s true there’s good in all of us…and bad too, but when push comes to shove we’re going to do whatever it takes to save our own ass. Sure, there’re a few out there who are heroes and heroines, but the vast majority of us just aren’t built that way. We mean well, and we have good intentions, but buses and automobiles and bicycles get in the way. And if we can nudge someone else off the curb instead, then more elbows will be thrown than in a UFC match.

The novel’s structure tossed linear completely out of the equation. Instead, you may need a roadmap to follow along if you’re not paying close attention. Mia and Colin didn’t always fall at the higher end of the likeability curve, but this tale clipped along at a rather frenzied pace even without their moral support. *BEGIN SPOILER* The Stockholm Syndrome angle proved a bit much for my taste, but maybe I’m just not a believer. *END SPOILER*

And everyone has secrets. It’s hard not to live your life without a few extra shirts hanging in the closet. And while THE GOOD GIRL proved rather intriguing and entertaining, it may have been just a tad bit overhyped. I’m just sayin’.