Dating Ain’t Easy

Posted on March 25, 2017 by Robert Downs

Cleaning Up Finn by Sarah M. Chen
My Rating: 4/5 Stars

Sarah M. Chen is a lovely woman and a helluva writer. She has got it going on, even if Finn is the antithesis of her in nearly every way imaginable. Finn might be a piece of shit, but his misery makes for some wonderful comedy, and you don’t want to miss this incredible ride in the passenger seat of his boss’s Ferrari.

If you’ve ever been on a date and wondered how it could possibly get any worse, or if you like reading about slimy characters because it makes you feel better about yourself, then this, my friends, is the book for you. Or if you want to simply support an underappreciated author who deserves so much more, then pick up this novella and read it for yourself.

CLEANING UP FINN gripped me at big tits, and it didn’t let me go until the final horn blew. The dialogue was crisp, the characters were sleazy, the pace was just right, and the South Bay setting enriched this tale in every way possible. I can’t wait to see what Ms. Chen does for an encore, because I’m gonna elbow my way to the front of the line.

Pussy Galore

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Robert Downs

Goldfinger by Ian Fleming
My Rating: 2/5 Stars

The movie has got to be better than this shit. Yes, I shall procure a copy for myself, and watch it all the way through. I must confess I have only seen parts of this cinematic Sean Connery classic, and the parts I have seen did offer up a slight sense of endearment for yours truly. But my attention span waned, and my movie prowess faltered, and I must confess I sometimes have the attention span of a fruit fly. But I shall push through, much as I did with this piece of male chauvinistic trash.

The golf scene proved longwinded and a bit of a bore. And I happen to really like golf. After the scene, though, I wanted to chuck my clubs through an open window and burn my golf shirts in a bonfire. So…I’ve got that going for me.

Pussy Galore is one of the best names of all time, right? Yes, you are absolutely correct. But the way she falls for James Bond made me want to hurl up a Happy Meal. She may have been a lesbian, but she’d never met a man like James Bond. I haven’t either, but that doesn’t mean I want to marry the bastard.

Even Auric Goldfinger felt limp-dicked compared to his grand cinematic self. And I’m sorry but I just didn’t buy Bond and GOLDFINGER working together. More than anything, though, I wanted to hear one of the most famous exchanges of all time, and I ended up with zip. Zilch. Nada. What exchange? You might ask. Why, it’s this one:

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Auric Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

I think it’s safe to say I was screwed.

Sexism Baby

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Robert Downs

Cop Town: A Novel by Karin Slaughter
My Rating: 4/5 Stars

Sexism baby. It’s pretty-freakin’-ridiculous. But if you can’t move past it, or you’re going to start swearing from the mountaintop, you better just slide right on by, because you will not enjoy this novel. Let that sink in for a moment before we move on. And if you’re going to bitch and moan about it, keep in mind Karin Slaughter wrote a realistic historical novel. She did not set out to write a politically correct novel. And for cripes sakes, this is fiction people.

Atlanta is a wonderful southern city. There’s The Varsity and the College Football Hall of Fame and The World of Coke and Centennial Olympic Park and Stone Mountain Park. Yes, three out of the five attractions I’ve mentioned weren’t open in 1974, and yes, I am still going to mention them anyway, because all five are just plain cool. But if you want to ratchet up your confusion, try driving in downtown Atlanta. There are 71 streets with Peachtree in their name. Fuck me. That’s just crazy. Some city planner really wanted to fuck with tourists. Yeah, and I thought Boston was bad.

I did like COP TOWN. Actually, I really liked it. So why did it take me so long to finish? You might ask. My answer is simple: That first 15 percent or so nearly killed me. But once the train got rolling, it moved faster than a hamster on a wheel, and I was left clinging to the side for dear life. Had I stopped sooner, I would have missed out on one hell of a read. Was it the best novel I’ve read this year? No. Would I read it again? Probably not. But the atmosphere nearly caused me to inhale a carton of cigarettes, a bottle of Jack, and way too much hairspray.

I wanted to wave a red flag and a hand-painted sign for women’s rights, and yes, I really wanted to see what Kate Murphy had going on underneath her uniform. That woman could break a man in two, or serve up a heart attack to a twenty-five year old. Sure, her tits may have been mentioned more than once or twice, but if she’s got a pair that could make Susan Sarandon jealous, I want to hear about it. Yes, she was a blonde, and yes, that endeared her to me a little bit more, but again, I can’t stop that train because it’s already left the station.

This novel was locked and loaded better than a Glock 17. My only wish: there were a few more bullets in the chamber.

I received this book for free through NetGalley.

A Bad, Bad World

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Robert Downs

The Good Girl by Mary Kubica
My Rating: 2/5 Stars

It’s a bad, bad world out there, and it’s made even worse when you don’t stick to the plan. People tend to freak out. Simple abductions suddenly become much more complicated, and true intentions end up masked by pain and strain and suffering. True trauma hits worse than a woman named Elle wielding a 5-iron. And no matter how well you play the game you have to ensure you follow the rules.

THE GOOD GIRL shows the heart of human nature, and I think it’s safe to say: We’re pretty fucked up. It’s true there’s good in all of us…and bad too, but when push comes to shove we’re going to do whatever it takes to save our own ass. Sure, there’re a few out there who are heroes and heroines, but the vast majority of us just aren’t built that way. We mean well, and we have good intentions, but buses and automobiles and bicycles get in the way. And if we can nudge someone else off the curb instead, then more elbows will be thrown than in a UFC match.

The novel’s structure tossed linear completely out of the equation. Instead, you may need a roadmap to follow along if you’re not paying close attention. Mia and Colin didn’t always fall at the higher end of the likeability curve, but this tale clipped along at a rather frenzied pace even without their moral support. *BEGIN SPOILER* The Stockholm Syndrome angle proved a bit much for my taste, but maybe I’m just not a believer. *END SPOILER*

And everyone has secrets. It’s hard not to live your life without a few extra shirts hanging in the closet. And while THE GOOD GIRL proved rather intriguing and entertaining, it may have been just a tad bit overhyped. I’m just sayin’.

The Movie Was Better

Posted on February 28, 2015 by Robert Downs

The Shining by Stephen King
My Rating: 3/5 Stars

The movie was better. A small part of me wanted to just drop the mike and walk away. But I like to expound upon my perceptions, even if I’m doing it for my own pleasure and edification. First, I’d like to thank Trudi (aka The Busty Book Bimbo) for throwing down the gauntlet and calling yours truly to the red carpet. Yes, she may have called me out a while ago, but I’m from West Virginia, and we tend to talk and move a little slow. And, yeah, I had the movie version in the back of my mind with Jack Nicholson at his finest level of insanity. Rather than break the spell, I wanted to hold onto my crazy ways.

THE SHINING was a slow bleed for me. Sure, it was freaky and crazy and had a certain level of insanity and madness, but it’d take me about three days to bleed out. The movie version, however, bled me out in less than twenty minutes. That shit was crazy. And grotesque. And strange. And weird. And the way Jack Nicholson pounded away at the keys…well, that reminded me of the great man himself slaving over his typewriter in the 1970s with a gleam in his eye and a razorblade in his hip pocket.

But Stephen King never quite captures that level of horror for me, where I’m sleeping with my Honey Boo Boo nightlight and sucking my thumb for a week at a time. He freaks me out a little, like an itch I can’t quite scratch, and I may look over my shoulder once or twice, before I move on with my life. And, sure, I get the feeling that he might be a little bit nuts, because genius and hovering outside the norm walk hand-in-hand across I-95. But that’s where I meet the brick wall going at 70 mph in the slow lane.

The story dragged along a bit longer than necessary. Sure, the man can spin a yarn better than Calvin Klein, but a little brevity never hurt anybody, and unfortunately, you won’t find it here. That being said, though, I’m glad I was taken to task for my novel skipping ways, and I shall make a more valiant attempt in the future at staying on top of things. When I do, I shall most definitely alert the proper authorities.

Oh, and I may never stay in a hotel in rural Colorado. But I’ll kindly thank Stanley Kubrick for that one.

Second Tier

Posted on February 22, 2015 by Robert Downs

Blue Labyrinth (Pendergast, #14) by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child
My Rating: 3/5 Stars

If you want to read a high octane novel, and discover where the bodies are buried, and the long dead secrets on a familial history with more quirks and twists and turns than your typical thriller, then BLUE LABYRINTH is for you. If you want an agent that’s at the top of his game, and you want a cast of secondary characters that will stretch the limits of your imagination, then this novel is for you. But if you want to read a great Pendergast novel, where the dialogue flows crisp and clean and this is your first turn on the merry-go-round with Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, I would start at an earlier point in the series.

This dynamic co-author duo didn’t phone it in from afar, but it didn’t feel like they brought their A game. Sure, their B+ game is better than many an up and coming and already established author, but I’ve seen the top of the mountain, and I’m not settling for a spot on the second tier.

The secrets and history were great, and I did feel as though I was in the middle of a maze, and I had no idea what sort of friend or foe would end up in my path next. But I didn’t feel the mad rush to the finish line that I like to experience with a typical Preston & Child novel. Maybe it was because I was in a dark place when I attempted to read this particular tale, and the harsh reality experienced between these pages only added to my melancholy state, but I’d still like to believe that a great novel can take me anywhere. With this tale, I didn’t get that.

The plot moved as quickly as a 1 ½ mile race, but the dialogue felt static and forced at times, and I began to wonder if I had been left on the wrong dock in the wrong town staring up at a boat pointed in the opposite direction. With that being said, you could do a whole lot worse than BLUE LABYRINTH, but I feel like you could do better as well.

I received this book for free through NetGalley.

Accentuate The Positive

Posted on February 21, 2015 by Robert Downs

The Girl In 6E by Alessandra Torre
My Rating: 5/5 Stars

This little bastard is the reason I cannot definitively say MONDAY’S LIE is the best book I’ve read this year. However, I am fairly confident that I have discovered the top two books I will read in 2015…with approximately 10.5 months of the year left. Then again, my crystal ball has failed me before, so you never know.

But I will power through my early year euphoria, and discover the world of mediocrity. Okay, okay, it probably won’t be that bad. But I have trouble with the concept of lightning striking me three times, mainly because I don’t want to end up on the operating table with a pile of drool beside me during my darkest days.

Rather than focus on the negative, let’s accentuate the positive. Deanna Madden is a badass. Sure, she may decorate her spare bedroom in pink, set up multiple webcams, craft her hair in pigtails, and work her clit for all she’s worth with horny men typing heavily on the other end, but this girl has style, when she decides to put on the occasional pair of clothes. She has a certain self-awareness that I found attractive and intriguing. She didn’t pull any punches when it came to her descriptions of the webcam world, and frankly, I found it all a bit fascinating. But I like to learn, and I had my eyes opened wide.

It ain’t exactly erotica, though. In some ways novel classification can be a disservice, when we’re talking genre-bending reads, and THE GIRL IN 6E certainly fits the bill. If you’re looking for erotica, or in this case erotic suspense, and you have domination on the brain, or romance, or happy endings (and yes the double entendre was on purpose for the love of popsicle sticks), then you’ll probably be disappointed at what this little gem has to offer the world.

If that’s the case, though, then you’re missing out on one hell of a pleasure cruise. I plan to start mine with Sex on the Beach (double entendre) and a trip to Iceland where I can cool off.

A Slight Infatuation

Posted on February 17, 2015 by Robert Downs

Monday’s Lie by Jamie Mason
My Rating: 5/5 Stars

I’m developing a slight infatuation for a woman named Jamie Mason. And, no, you can’t have her, I saw her first. This might be the best novel I’ve read this year, and every last one of you bastards should go out and read it for yourselves. Why? You might ask. Well, if you’re not just going to take me at my word and stop at third, then let’s delve a little deeper, shall we. Each word felt as though it was handcrafted and mulled over for hours. If that’s the case, then I’m probably going to cry a little, because that means I’m going to have to wait ten years until her next masterpiece, and in the meantime the market is going to be flooded with plenty of crap, unless she started her novel writing days at puberty, and in that case, I may only have to wait a couple more years while she gives her next work a bit more polish and shine and then ceremoniously flings it upon the world with much pomp and circumstance and even a few trumpets and trombones. And if that’s indeed the case, I shall cry a little less.

That’s not enough, you say. You’re all a bunch of heathens. Okay, there’s more. She totally reinvented herself from her debut novel to this one. It’s an entirely different tale filled with entirely different characters in an entirely different setting, and it ratcheted up the suspense with such subtlety and ease that I’d need a Venn diagram to plot it all out, and frankly, I just don’t have the time for plot charts and graphs. But if that’s your thing, then have at it, sister, I won’t stop you.

There is no sophomoric slump. No second novel blues. Instead, she’s painted a world filled with orange and red. MONDAY’S LIE is better than her first by a country mile, and with THREE GRAVES FULL, she really showcased her writing chops, and offered up plenty of talent. But this time she took it to a whole nother level. She proved she’s a novel slinging badass in her DKNY jeans. Ms. Mason, you have fair warning that I am now going to stalk your pretty ass. Not the kind that leads to being led away in handcuffs, but the kind that turns me into a lifelong, loyal reader, or as Stephen King says, “Constant reader.” Where I shall pronounce from the mountaintop at all who I deem worthy to go out and procure a small piece of Jamie Mason for themselves at your nearest bookstore or online establishment. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

I received this ARC for free at Bouchercon.

Marry The Crazies

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Robert Downs

Cliff Walk: A Liam Mulligan Novel by Bruce DeSilva
My Rating: 4/5 Stars

I can do sarcastic smart-ass all day long. In fact, I want to love it and squeeze it and then kiss it on the forehead. Liam Mulligan may have a tendency to marry the crazies, but he sure does know how to fire off the one-liners. And that worked for me. The man may not walk around with a loaded gun in his pants, but he has a loaded weapon between his lips, and he’s not afraid to use it. Yes, indeed, he shoveled more shit than a circus performer, and he put more than one smile on my face.

CLIFF WALK started out dark, and then it got darker. And when that wasn’t enough, I went out searching for a nightlight and a Snuggie and a glass of warm milk. Speaking of which, Rhode Island is a great place to take the kids and nothing bad ever happens there at all. Except prostitution and newspapers that break faster than a pair of eggs and pornographic films and dead bodies and child pornography…and shit that’s the mailman at the door and he’s wielding a machine gun. “Oh, my God, they found me, I don’t know how, but they found me. Run for it Marty!” Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. Just as I needed to do with this review.

Sure, this book was great, but I think I’m going to need my Snuggie and glass of warm milk for a few more nights.

I received this book for free at Bouchercon.

Suck Your Soul Out Of Your Body

Posted on August 25, 2014 by Robert Downs

One of Us by Tawni O’Dell
My Rating: 4/5 Stars

If you look up the term cold-hearted bitch in the dictionary, you’re liable to find a picture of Scarlet Dawes. She has evil figured out so well she could suck your soul out of your body from three feet away. And then she’d kick your decaying corpse with her stiletto heel while carrying her Gucci purse. She’s so evil that her mom resorted to the gin and tonic years ago (heavy on the gin light on the tonic), and her dad was born without a soul, and there’s an empty void where his heart should be. I bet their Christmas cards are wonderful.

Dr. Sheridan Doyle knows how to fill out a pair of high end jeans and Cole Haan loafers and finish up the ensemble with a tailored coat. But he also still hasn’t completely outgrown his awkward phase now that’s he back home, and dealing with more than a few of his own demons. He’s a strong, confident man who still has a little boy lingering underneath his covers.

By dividing the book in sections and including multiple perspectives, I really started to feel like one of the family, even if the clan was a bit demented, and would probably eat my heart and liver with a spoon. The pace was more of a slow, heated burn, like sitting out in the Pennsylvania sun for two hours too long in the middle of August. And my West Virginia roots appreciated the mining subplot and small town background. ONE OF US offered up plenty of enjoyment, even if it managed to produce a few nightmares in the process. So grab your sleeping pills and sunscreen because it’s liable to be a bumpy ride.

I received this book for free through NetGalley.